i'd like to speak my mind ...
my thoughts are too loud in my ear...
I keep my mouth shut, hoping my eyes can hear...
moments of reevaluation...
a mental enactment of what I need to come to pass,
Class is continuously in session,
there's only grade A accepted on these types of lessons...
graded by my own perception of my mentality and where I feel it's supposed to be...
glanced in the mirror, I barely even noticed me ...
same ol' g ... I think that's the saying...
there's been a change in me, n' I can see it through the hands that I've been praying...
no games, no playing...
no time for the naysaying..
no time for the mental masturbating
the brutal and emotional degrading ..
all i can say is I have no choice but to make it
I can taste my dreams, my stomach can't even take it..
my insides want to regurgitate the happy feelings that make them salivate
n'
I'm bursting through the seams recognizing I am not a human being...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
2/7/2012 .. 12:34a.
I just wanted you to heal me...
conceal the wounds within' me...
Create some type of positive synergy...
But all you did was put an end to me...
an end to the comfort I found in your arms...
an end to the love I felt in my heart...
everyday it seemed like all you were interested in was killing my spirit and ripping my heart apart...
I just wanted you to be the one to take away all the pain...
But you couldn't even do that...
the chemical imbalance in your brain prevented you from loving me right...
the constant nights of me begging for peace on the other end of the phone...
to the times you kiss me goodbye and me knowing you ain't goin' home...
Calling me a liar because I wasn't ready to open up...
knowing every word I said your motive was to use it against me...
no love, ever... your approach... beastly...
Feast your eyes on my reality ...
a woman burned, scorned, beaten, bruised and abused....
reacted to life through the mind of someone misused ...
begging for love and to call my past a truce...
demons in attack mode, at an all time high...
praying to God for a breakthrough just to get by ..
friends turned to strangers...
I ran to you as if you were my angel...
my heart entangled..
a concept you refused to understand,
Love, for me, is in high demand.
all the shit I told you, all the shit I tried to make clear...
you threw in my face as if you wanted another person to appear...
I never judged you for your mishaps and mistaken steps...
never judged you for the stories not yet told...
because all I knew is that I wanted to grow old...
With you...
it was always a fuckin' issue...
As many times as I told you I missed you...
just wanted to wrap my arms around your neck, stand on my toes n' kiss you...
love you...heal you ...
but love was unreal to you.
conceal the wounds within' me...
Create some type of positive synergy...
But all you did was put an end to me...
an end to the comfort I found in your arms...
an end to the love I felt in my heart...
everyday it seemed like all you were interested in was killing my spirit and ripping my heart apart...
I just wanted you to be the one to take away all the pain...
But you couldn't even do that...
the chemical imbalance in your brain prevented you from loving me right...
the constant nights of me begging for peace on the other end of the phone...
to the times you kiss me goodbye and me knowing you ain't goin' home...
Calling me a liar because I wasn't ready to open up...
knowing every word I said your motive was to use it against me...
no love, ever... your approach... beastly...
Feast your eyes on my reality ...
a woman burned, scorned, beaten, bruised and abused....
reacted to life through the mind of someone misused ...
begging for love and to call my past a truce...
demons in attack mode, at an all time high...
praying to God for a breakthrough just to get by ..
friends turned to strangers...
I ran to you as if you were my angel...
my heart entangled..
a concept you refused to understand,
Love, for me, is in high demand.
all the shit I told you, all the shit I tried to make clear...
you threw in my face as if you wanted another person to appear...
I never judged you for your mishaps and mistaken steps...
never judged you for the stories not yet told...
because all I knew is that I wanted to grow old...
With you...
it was always a fuckin' issue...
As many times as I told you I missed you...
just wanted to wrap my arms around your neck, stand on my toes n' kiss you...
love you...heal you ...
but love was unreal to you.
Friday, February 3, 2012
2/3/12 5:02 AM.
I really don't care if you'll never be there...
just know there was a time when all I did was care...
appreciated the moments we had to share...
loved you the most when we bared it all...
loved you the least when the fucked up names were called...
tears I cried, simply from feeling misunderstood...
tears I cried, simply because loving you is something I thought I never could..
baby, I miss you ... and honestly I don't know why...
don't know why I'd rather cry than fall for another guy...
a feeling so real... no one else is appealing ...
I have loved you from day one, maybe you're just hard of hearing ...
a fucked up feeling when you feel like you can't give your all..
My heart's on recall...
My love's in free fall...
I can't handle it ...
you don't have to call...
It's ok...I know ...
sometimes when you don't want to you have to go...
I would say sorry, but I'm not really sorry for shit...
Only sorry for letting you feel like you can comfortably disrespect me like some other ass bitch ...
everything in my life, I've done for a calculated purpose ..
some shit I didn't feel like an explanation was necessary...
you wanted me to speak on everything, whereas you never had nothing substantial to say ..
Picking my brain so you can always have one up on me...
not knowing those are war tactics, that's not the way love is supposed to be...
it's not about money or the lack there of...
it's about God and his continuous love..
my life has changed tremendously?
but you'll never know...
you were too busy judging me, instead of loving me.
just know there was a time when all I did was care...
appreciated the moments we had to share...
loved you the most when we bared it all...
loved you the least when the fucked up names were called...
tears I cried, simply from feeling misunderstood...
tears I cried, simply because loving you is something I thought I never could..
baby, I miss you ... and honestly I don't know why...
don't know why I'd rather cry than fall for another guy...
a feeling so real... no one else is appealing ...
I have loved you from day one, maybe you're just hard of hearing ...
a fucked up feeling when you feel like you can't give your all..
My heart's on recall...
My love's in free fall...
I can't handle it ...
you don't have to call...
It's ok...I know ...
sometimes when you don't want to you have to go...
I would say sorry, but I'm not really sorry for shit...
Only sorry for letting you feel like you can comfortably disrespect me like some other ass bitch ...
everything in my life, I've done for a calculated purpose ..
some shit I didn't feel like an explanation was necessary...
you wanted me to speak on everything, whereas you never had nothing substantial to say ..
Picking my brain so you can always have one up on me...
not knowing those are war tactics, that's not the way love is supposed to be...
it's not about money or the lack there of...
it's about God and his continuous love..
my life has changed tremendously?
but you'll never know...
you were too busy judging me, instead of loving me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
1/25/12 1:26 A.
silence ...
is sometimes necessary when you're trying to bury painful memories...
thoughts that would make hatred envious of me ...
the kind of pain that reigns in your cries,
the kind of fear that you try to hide..
word to the unwise you can't disguise a pain that mystifies a loved one.
even that One closest to you can be the one that kills your spirit with a loaded semi automatic weapon
causing nothing but stress , while you're trying to let God relinquish your fears and bless what's left...
he won't let go,
No... he won't let go.
Won't let go of the idea that you will do him wrong ..
he won't let go ...
no, he won't let go...
Of the preposterous notion that you would rather be gone ...
your heart has to sing songs of heartache instead of bells streamlined from the idea of kids n' wedding cakes...
love . there is none
hurt. there's been some.
lies. neither one is done. ..
playing, name calling, disrespecting...
hints of infidelities,
No, there will not be joyous melodies...
no healing remedies, he lets you know you're on your own,
constantly reminding you, the love has not grown.
so, you have to sit .. and wait... pouring feelings into a silent poem.
while all you wanted to do was call his heart your home.
he's calling you out of your name,
Saying you're the one to blame for the pain,
you're the one who caused the disdain,
Not knowing he was the root of it all.
the inability to just be supportive without judgement,
The inability to transform from thug into husband ...
the nothin' made into somethin'
releasing the self hate, n' lettin' in the lovin'.. you couldn't ..
let alone ... wouldn't..
couldn't see past what your eyes could see ,
wouldn't let go of your thoughts to recognize me ..
so i'm forced to build a fortress made of secrecy ..
just because you wouldn't acknowledge the love you truly had for we.
laying with you, waking up .. making breakfast...
I wore your love around my heart like a necklace.
your smile around my soul like a bracelet
while you refused to face it
the steps i took in the past, made me crash land into you..
nitty n' gritty , I've done plenty ..
but God protected me, n' sent me in your direction for a healin'
not to be ridiculed for selfish decisions made when I thought doin' evil was more appealin'
I've had my demons, and I've done my time... thankfully i never have to pause n' rewind ..
Life is meant to continuously move forward n' grind... and forgiveness is key..
if God can forgive you, we can forgive we...
.
is sometimes necessary when you're trying to bury painful memories...
thoughts that would make hatred envious of me ...
the kind of pain that reigns in your cries,
the kind of fear that you try to hide..
word to the unwise you can't disguise a pain that mystifies a loved one.
even that One closest to you can be the one that kills your spirit with a loaded semi automatic weapon
causing nothing but stress , while you're trying to let God relinquish your fears and bless what's left...
he won't let go,
No... he won't let go.
Won't let go of the idea that you will do him wrong ..
he won't let go ...
no, he won't let go...
Of the preposterous notion that you would rather be gone ...
your heart has to sing songs of heartache instead of bells streamlined from the idea of kids n' wedding cakes...
love . there is none
hurt. there's been some.
lies. neither one is done. ..
playing, name calling, disrespecting...
hints of infidelities,
No, there will not be joyous melodies...
no healing remedies, he lets you know you're on your own,
constantly reminding you, the love has not grown.
so, you have to sit .. and wait... pouring feelings into a silent poem.
while all you wanted to do was call his heart your home.
he's calling you out of your name,
Saying you're the one to blame for the pain,
you're the one who caused the disdain,
Not knowing he was the root of it all.
the inability to just be supportive without judgement,
The inability to transform from thug into husband ...
the nothin' made into somethin'
releasing the self hate, n' lettin' in the lovin'.. you couldn't ..
let alone ... wouldn't..
couldn't see past what your eyes could see ,
wouldn't let go of your thoughts to recognize me ..
so i'm forced to build a fortress made of secrecy ..
just because you wouldn't acknowledge the love you truly had for we.
laying with you, waking up .. making breakfast...
I wore your love around my heart like a necklace.
your smile around my soul like a bracelet
while you refused to face it
the steps i took in the past, made me crash land into you..
nitty n' gritty , I've done plenty ..
but God protected me, n' sent me in your direction for a healin'
not to be ridiculed for selfish decisions made when I thought doin' evil was more appealin'
I've had my demons, and I've done my time... thankfully i never have to pause n' rewind ..
Life is meant to continuously move forward n' grind... and forgiveness is key..
if God can forgive you, we can forgive we...
.
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