Tuesday, January 1, 2013


That moment you realize you’re not giving yourself nearly as much as you’re worth… lol. That funny but awesome moment you begin to enjoy the journey inside of what is meant for you. people fail to realize the journey starts from within, not “where to”. What is inside of me is the centerfold of what is to be expected. I walk today, encouraged.. not looking for a means to an end, but the means to live comfortably. The struggle is the blessing. Stay humble. Stay focused. beyou. Solitude. Bless.

M

 

1/1/13 11:25A

Saturday, February 11, 2012

2/11/12 2:50A

i'd like to speak my mind ...
my thoughts are too loud in my ear...
I keep my mouth shut, hoping my eyes can hear...
moments of reevaluation...
a mental enactment of what I need to come to pass,
Class is continuously in session,
there's only grade A accepted on these types of lessons...
graded by my own perception of my mentality and where I feel it's supposed to be...
glanced in the mirror, I barely even noticed me ...
same ol' g ... I think that's the saying...
there's been a change in me, n' I can see it through the hands that I've been praying...
no games, no playing...
no time for the naysaying..
no time for the mental masturbating
the brutal and emotional degrading ..
all i can say is I have no choice but to make it
I can taste my dreams, my stomach can't even take it..
my insides want to regurgitate the happy feelings that make them salivate
n'
I'm bursting through the seams recognizing I am not a human being...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

2/7/2012 .. 12:34a.

I just wanted you to heal me...
conceal the wounds within' me...
Create some type of positive synergy...
But all you did was put an end to me...
an end to the comfort I found in your arms...
an end to the love I felt in my heart...
everyday it seemed like all you were interested in was killing my spirit and ripping my heart apart...
I just wanted you to be the one to take away all the pain...
But you couldn't even do that...
the chemical imbalance in your brain prevented you from loving me right...
the constant nights of me begging for peace on the other end of the phone...
to the times you kiss me goodbye and me knowing you ain't goin' home...
Calling me a liar because I wasn't ready to open up...
knowing every word I said your motive was to use it against me...
no love, ever... your approach... beastly...
Feast your eyes on my reality ...
a woman burned, scorned, beaten, bruised and abused....
reacted to life through the mind of someone misused ...
begging for love and to call my past a truce...
demons in attack mode, at an all time high...
praying to God for a breakthrough just to get by ..
friends turned to strangers...
I ran to you as if you were my angel...
my heart entangled..
a concept you refused to understand,
Love, for me, is in high demand.
all the shit I told you, all the shit I tried to make clear...
you threw in my face as if you wanted another person to appear...
I never judged you for your mishaps and mistaken steps...
never judged you for the stories not yet told...
because all I knew is that I wanted to grow old...
With you...
it was always a fuckin' issue...
As many times as I told you I missed you...
just wanted to wrap my arms around your neck, stand on my toes n' kiss you...
love you...heal you ...
but love was unreal to you.

Friday, February 3, 2012

2/3/12 5:02 AM.

I really don't care if you'll never be there...
just know there was a time when all I did was care...
appreciated the moments we had to share...
loved you the most when we bared it all...
loved you the least when the fucked up names were called...
tears I cried, simply from feeling misunderstood...
tears I cried, simply because loving you is something I thought I never could..
baby, I miss you ... and honestly I don't know why...
don't know why I'd rather cry than fall for another guy...
a feeling so real... no one else is appealing ...
I have loved you from day one, maybe you're just hard of hearing ...
a fucked up feeling when you feel like you can't give your all..
My heart's on recall...
My love's in free fall...
I can't handle it ...
you don't have to call...
It's ok...I know ...
sometimes when you don't want to you have to go...
I would say sorry, but I'm not really sorry for shit...
Only sorry for letting you feel like you can comfortably disrespect me like some other ass bitch ...
everything in my life, I've done for a calculated purpose ..
some shit I didn't feel like an explanation was necessary...
you wanted me to speak on everything, whereas you never had nothing substantial to say ..
Picking my brain so you can always have one up on me...
not knowing those are war tactics, that's not the way love is supposed to be...
it's not about money or the lack there of...
it's about God and his continuous love..
my life has changed tremendously?
but you'll never know...
you were too busy judging me, instead of loving me.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

1/25/12 1:26 A.

silence ...
is sometimes necessary when you're trying to bury painful memories...
thoughts that would make hatred envious of me ...
the kind of pain that reigns in your cries,
the kind of fear that you try to hide..
word to the unwise you can't disguise a pain that mystifies a loved one.
even that One closest to you can be the one that kills your spirit with a loaded semi automatic weapon
causing nothing but stress , while you're trying to let God relinquish your fears and bless what's left...

he won't let go,
No... he won't let go.
Won't let go of the idea that you will do him wrong ..
he won't let go ...
no, he won't let go...
Of the preposterous notion that you would rather be gone ...
your heart has to sing songs of heartache instead of bells streamlined from the idea of kids n' wedding cakes...
love . there is none
hurt. there's been some.
lies. neither one is done. ..
playing, name calling, disrespecting...
hints of infidelities,
No, there will not be joyous melodies...
no healing remedies, he lets you know you're on your own,
constantly reminding you, the love has not grown.
so, you have to sit .. and wait... pouring feelings into a silent poem.
while all you wanted to do was call his heart your home.
he's calling you out of your name,
Saying you're the one to blame for the pain,
you're the one who caused the disdain,
Not knowing he was the root of it all.
the inability to just be supportive without judgement,
The inability to transform from thug into husband ...
the nothin' made into somethin'
releasing the self hate, n' lettin' in the lovin'.. you couldn't ..
let alone ... wouldn't..
couldn't see past what your eyes could see ,
wouldn't let go of your thoughts to recognize me ..
so i'm forced to build a fortress made of secrecy ..
just because you wouldn't acknowledge the love you truly had for we.
laying with you, waking up .. making breakfast...
I wore your love around my heart like a necklace.
your smile around my soul like a bracelet
while you refused to face it
the steps i took in the past, made me crash land into you..
nitty n' gritty , I've done plenty ..
but God protected me, n' sent me in your direction for a healin'
not to be ridiculed for selfish decisions made when I thought doin' evil was more appealin'
I've had my demons, and I've done my time... thankfully i never have to pause n' rewind ..
Life is meant to continuously move forward n' grind... and forgiveness is key..
if God can forgive you, we can forgive we...
.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Distressed

"for those who have ever been intentionally hurt”

July 18, 2011

settin' the love i had a BLAZE..
 because when it was time to speak of love you forgot my NAME,
 ashamed of the games a player was PLAYING,
thought i heard love..
 but then realized it was only hate filled shit you were SAYING..
.a hater doin' his daily HATING, waiting for love, continuously STAYING..


.mind fucked.
it was probably wishful THINKIN
thinkin' you could be a better human BEIN'
but your love was MISLEADIN',
due to the constant destruction and MISTREATIN'
of my heart.


ripped it up and tored it APART
if you were goin' to be the devil, why approach me like the ARC
Angels touched us, i could have SWORN...
touched us, healed us and made us REBORN.
they say nothing is worse than a woman SCORNED.
but i say there is nothing worse than a man with HORNS.


dedicated to making our life uneasy
i could tell by the way you wouldn't believe in me,
have faith in me, love me and put your trust in me...
instead you feel better doubtin' me,
as if God has never been allowed in me..
i speak the truth fluently, abundantly...
but you would know that if you really were in love with me...
shady...


thinking i could be forever your LADY...
visualizing that i could supply you with a healthy BABY...
maybe TWO, but when you looked in the mirror all you saw was YOU
selfishly...
telling me... the problem is me?
when you can't control your own mentality..
.
Pay attention, it's FREE..
You shoulda never wished death upon ME..
I was created by God, like Adam did EVE
N' now the only way to talk to me is via MEMORY
feel me through the tears i've been crying
i bet you wish now that i was actually dying
instead of you supplying the pain...


removing myself from the reigns...
because when im next to you i feel shame
ashamed of the treatment i've allowed
a queen next to a king, i should never be expected to bow
keyword NEXT TO
instead wishing i never met you...
never sexed you, instead i should have left you...


where you stand, i no longer see a man..
the potential you had, the bigger plan
love slipped your mind like quicksand
instead of asking for help, you balled a fist with your hands...
frustrated because deep down you have a hatred for love...
from me...as if there's no sincerity...


your mind fought against me,
your heart will always miss me...
you should have prayed every time you dismissed me...
because unlike your others i am a gift....
not your hoe, not your slut... not your little dumb bitch...
i wont put you on my payroll, i will stand when you say sit...
only because your tone of voice makes me rebellious.


reflect on my lines, each word... each phrase...
the word "baby" will never sound the same...
because you gave all the ones who wanted my position the same name..
and im the one to blame, for the inconsistency and lack of meaning...
take that to the judge, they'll recognize the truth and believe me...
not you...
not the one who portrays the fool.......
who uses love as some vengeful tool..
a ploy to get what's wanted
that's why your dreams are always haunted..


i pray for you...
pray that it's not too late to erase the hate..
to open your heart and free your mind...
to take the time, relax your spirit...
to allow love to near it.
can you hear it?


the sound of two hearts colliding..
the sound of angels and demons fighting...
the sound of fire and air reuniting…
the moment the earth feels the sun igniting..


my mind says GO, my heart says STOP,
there has always been a cliff waiting for me…
I can’t find it in myself to take the lethal drop…
So I pause…
Waiting for an opportunity to rebalance…n’ I thought that was you…
I already know I’m wrong, no need to prove.
Looking at you… feels like a failure…
Because what woman wants to beg for consistent love behavior
The Lord as my Savior, things will never be the same…
The moment you took death and attached it to my name…
Once a wild woman, heart of a Lion … now tamed…
Only to be made a mockery of…
The rabbit… left in the cage...framed.
Dumb and in a daze…
Unknowingly put myself in a position…
Unable to be saved…
Feel me?

Can you see me….
I doubt you can, because I stand in front of a boy not yet a man
I thought it was love when I placed my hands in your hands…
I thought we were together and would continue to be…
But im sorry, unapologetically…
You’re part to blame for my insanity…
Can’t even give up your social network so we can form some unity?
Bitches and hoes, hoes and bitches…
Tellin’ me im your wife, while you’re wooing the mistress.
I’ll pass, there’s nothing solid about you…
Nothing worthy of my love, I was mistaken…
Truthfully speakin’,
My heart was weakened…
Melted every time I found myself leavin’
Wanting to be with you…
Is it not enough for someone to love you…
Not enough for someone to genuinely care…
But you push love away for the bullshit compliments and stares
From bitches with press ons and store bought hair
Bitches that would give you a fuck and a disease at the same time.
I’ll pass…


My frame of mind is independent,
Because I know you converse and probably fuck other women
Hard decision, but I have to make a new commitment…
To myself…
You’re bad for my health…
You give me no security,
All you want to do is ruin me…
Speak bad on me…
Disrespect me…
No time…
I can’t waste it..
I’d rather leave you, than waste my tears..
Stupid of me to love you, what the fuck was I thinking…
Hurt me , and all you were doing was blinking…
Not paying attention, negatively speaking…
I can’t do it anymore…
The love… so fake.
It never was real, you’ve judged me and deceived me from the very beginning..
Before you had me in your arms, I was already losing…
Stupid of me for looking past your impurities..
Maybe I should bring them up, instead of making everything new to me..
Throw them in your face, just like you do to me…
Do it with some urgency,
“Die bitch”… really?
All I can do is put my head down…
Thinking I was ready to give you the crown…
Shame on me a million times…
I should have left you… you were never mine.
As many times accused of cheating and mistreating..
I might as well,
 disrespecting love is a fast way to hell..
you couldn’t have loved me, I could already tell..
because all you do is pretend…
“player until the end”
I came in with a weary heart…
A real man would recognize and proceed to mend it…
Instead you were all about you…
Telling ME I had something to PROVE
Serious?
This shit was supposed to be new to the both of us…
Judging me based off of past indiscretions…
Shit, those were my own life lessons, as im sure you’ve had yours…
Fucking 70+ mini whores…
That ain’t my place to judge…
My place is to renew you with love and hugs…
See who the man is now, not the man in your past…
Who are you now, will help determine whether we would last…
Why tell you something only for it to be used against me
Open with you, sharing my honesty…
Because that’s what you do when you’re really in love…
You give yourself to God and leave the rest to faith…
Fuck the bullshit, fuck the old shit…
But no, you wanna fuck with me and every other bitch…
Stupid of me…
I wish you the best…
Genuinely.
Sincerely,
The knife in my back.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

W8

(for every female who can't express themselves, in fear of argument)

never secures my feelings
always leaves it up to me to bring back the emotional healing
and I fasho ain’t feelin’ that shit
hella disrespectful and demeaning
constantly having to ask myself why do I stay
when I should be packin’ and leavin’
neverending games is what he chooses to play
wonderin’ when something nice is what he’s gonna say
yea, there’s love…but that’s beginning to stall.
Loving you is hard when you make me not want to give my all
Sometimes I feel like if we fail, we might as well fall…gracefully.
You don’t seem to give a fuck about who the fuck you datin’
Si what would be the point of me smilin’ and celebratin’
When I’d rather leave you alone, a smile would be fakin’
I thought I was supposed to be taken, but I guess I’m really not
Cuz if a nigga had me, he would know just what he’s got
He’d recognize the true potential, stop playin’ and pick a spot
On the side that contains me, and stop switching back and forth
From bitch, to baby, to girl you my lady…
Nigga is u crazy
Congesting everything about us with your “I don’t knows” and “maybe’s”
You walk around this mothafucka like you don’t need nobody
Well then, if that’s the fuckin’ case I should leave you with no body
No kissin’ and no fuckin’
The epitome of no lovin’
Crazy how you can encourage someone not to care
Always puttin’ me down like I’m supposed to want to stand there and accept the harsh critiques
You never offer anything beneficially for me
Always focused on you
So how can you say you want me to be apart of you too?
How the fuck is that gon’ work?
What’s the point of speakin’ love, when you’re constantly a jerk,
A nigga that doesn’t give a fuck?
Would it be too much if you shared a buck to increase my happiness?
Or tried to give me more than just ya dick?
How about a kiss, that actually wants to be a kiss…
You know, the feeling I get inside of my heart when you touch me with your lips…
Instead of tryna spread my legs and stick your dick inside,
Why don’t you gently separate my thighs, and lick my pussy with your eyes…
How am I supposed to feel appreciated when all you do is nag
You might as well kill me now, toe tagged, black bag
Cuz you’re somethin’ like a KILL JOY
You don’t care about anyone else’s feelings or well being
You don’t give a fuck, you’ll attack me without warning
And I’ll be the only one scarred and bleeding
This is just the beginning of our spiritual meeting
And I already I feel myself fleeing…
Don’t know what kind of romance this will be…
If you don’t start to BE LOVE, rather than speak it.
You fightin’ to stay the same, when we should be doin’ some tweakin’
Complex think’ and a little heavy breathin’
And make sure the person in the mirror is who you should be seein’
The devil seem like he’s creepin
Cuz most of the time it’s some fucked up shit you speakin’
I ain’t feelin’ that shit
You may be a good dude, but ya lovin’ side is whack shit
A certain level of consistency is what you need to bring it back, shit.
If you really wanna learn, I can teach you what I know
But if you wanna play these games, I can turn around and go
It will be a unanimous decicision, and if we ain’t fuckin’ wit it
Yo name will not be mentioned in my list of favorites
Cuz I will not give a fuck
I will lead you to the exit door, and wish you love and luck
You treat me like shit at almost every opportunity
Then try to switch the blame
Like that bullshit game aint old as fuck to me
With me is where you say you chose to be
So either, stay proudly or don’t mention me
Be rid of me OR  fuck wit me
Cuz im tired of bein’ held up on yo wannabe puppet strings
you gotta stop bein’ mean and obscene
treat me kindly, and with respect…
cuz if you really knew better, you’d stop pushing yourself to the left…to the left.