there have been many things in my life that i reflect on,
wondering why... when... how... for what reason would i have done some of those things.
why would i have let so many things hurt me,
why didn't i make the right decisions.
the incision...
love, loyalty, respect, myself...
all things i have disrespected at some point and time in my life...
no regrets.
just reflection and recognition....
i apologize to myself.
i apologize to myself for any moment that went by
unchecked.
i apologize to myself for making the wrong decision,
when i know i could have and should have made a better one.
i was being selfish
continuously disrespectful,
and for that i am sorry.
i recognize ways in which i was being conciously deceitful to myself and others
for my own personal gain,
and for this i am sorry.
apologetic in ways that cannot be explained,
i am the definition of change.
many summers, falls...beautiful springs, and the coldest winters have recently gone by,
i have sat momentarily wondering... why....
why do i sit here and question my life.
things were done that cannot be taken back ,
but they can possibly be smoothed over and made new with an apology laced upon it....
will i die for my mistakes?
when...
when will God see that i am trying to do better...
i have been soemthing that i am not by not RECOGNIZING my own power...
not recognizing that i can do and be great simultaneously.
i don't have to demean my own character or character of someone elses just to knock the great chip off of my shoulder....
i apologize for the moment of UNsolitude...
so apologetically, i am sorry...
wrapped up in the subconcious, afraid of MYSELF.
im so sorry.
i apologize for the broken hearts..
the broken hearted.
the moments of weakness...
caught up in the moment of loveless sex
upset because i had to get my "fix"
addickted to trying to fill the void of emptiness
forced to look in the mirror
imagining it shattered to the floor every time my tears said "hello"
im sorry .... for the hatred
brought to myself, by Myself...
apologetically, i am on my knees
begging you to take me...as ME.
all of my flaws... please...
unconditionally..
my mentality speaks poetically...
more gentally..now..
finding some love for myself...
finally..
momentarily...living..outside of the "human... being"
what people say they're seeing...
society killed me... im bleeding...
the cool breeze is receeding...
an interview with love.. i can at least get to the meeting.
i am apologetically sorry.
washing my hands of the sinful stones cast by me
watch me while i remove the sinning
tired of the losing, not knowing it was me standing in my own way all along..
not recognizing the messages i've been sending
fuck it. fuck shit. fuck that bitch. fucking his dick. waking up sick..
telling myself "get rid of it"
painful divinity ...
when you mention IT dont mention me
painfully getting rid of my seed
... afraid of them IDing...
me.
but i am different now...
new,
i apologize...
i am saying i am sorry
watching and seeing
feeling and agreeing
yess... blinded by my own selfish ways
counting down the days until my demise
afraid of guys, hating myself wondering why...
afraid of myself and my own power
i apologize for not saying NO when it was most certainly necessary
understanding there will be commentary headed my way
praying i make it another day, just to make everything back to when it was ok
apologetically... i appreciate you...
the new you looking back at me....
frustrated at any mistakes already made in the future...
upset because i can't seem to catch a break...
but i am sorry...
Karma.
endless thoughts, of slitting every bit of joy inside of me...
because i have been so sorry, unapologetically
no sincerity...
how could i ask God to take care of me...
when i couldn't even take the time to forgive ...
me?
why would you want to love somebody that is empty...
guilty of constantly...
silencing...e v e r y t h i n g ..
avoiding the motion picture
trying to avoid rekindling the flame inside of myself...
i've felt myself dying, not because of my health..
deranged, placing the blame on my now worthless frame
calling upon His holy name...asking God for...
a necessary C H A N G E.
